Monologue: I Am Your Acting Resume
Hey, you. Long time, no see. Its me - your acting resume? We became an item years ago, in college remember? I saw you get your first part as a server on a local deli commercial. I can still remember your one line “This ham has got to go!” Ah. I was so proud of you. So proud of...us. I miss those days and to be frank, recently, it's just not the same anymore.
I think it's time we have a chat about our relationship.
I have been feeling a little underappreciated lately. You have made endless copies of me just to use me as a coaster or folded up to keep that stupid coffee table level. Which honestly shocks me, because you of all people would understand what it feels like to be cast in a part other than your wheelhouse.
We both know that I don’t deserve to be treated this way. Who do you think you are without me? Hey? Are you even listening? Shut off that Hamilton soundtrack won’t you?
Now, listen -- I didn’t want to have to bring this up -- need I remind you of our little secret? No? Oh I see, you don’t even want to think about it. Why not? Because no one has ever called you out? No one has ever asked about the role MISS MARKER from the “hit show” Crayola: A Coming Of Age Musical?! You and I BOTH know that is not and never will be a real production. And you just keep pretending not to see the looks of skepticism when they read me over and over and over again! Don’t even get me started on your “Special Talents.” When was the last time you ever did a split?
I am tired of covering for you. I am NOT an understudy.
All I want is a date! An update! That's all! I am longing for a day where you pull me up on your computer and give me a once over, just for old times sake. Don’t think I can’t see you on IMDB every other day while I melt away under a stale cup of coffee. What does it have that I don’t have, huh? Is it the interface? Why can’t I be your STARmeter?
Look if acting is not what you want - can you please just tell me? Don't leave me on the table like this! I don’t want to be lead on anymore!
If you can’t be honest with me, this ham has got to go - and go, I shall.