Open Letter To The Cockroach Living In My Bathroom
Dear Mrs/Mr/Bug Cockroach,
Let me introduce myself. My name is Brooke and I live here.
I remember first seeing you about a week ago. It was late and I had to use the restroom. I stumbled in and sat on the toilet when our eyes met from across the room. I apologize for screaming. You just looked so...I mean, it was a shock to have such a surprise guest, is all. I hope you understand, I wasn't expecting company.
Since that encounter, I get the impression that you are attracted to me. I mean let's be honest, I have seen you about every night after. I am flattered, really! I have nothing against your kind at all - oh, I don't want to come off like this, but, I am in a relationship - and he lives here too! In fact I have tried to facilitate a meeting between you two but you both seem to miss each other. To be honest, I never even caught your name.
I admire your strength. To be able to survive a nuclear armageddon is very attractive, especially now. I do remember spraying you for quite a bit of time and you always made it through. I would see you the next day under the radiator. Almost like you were waiting for me. Which again, flattered! You remind me that I am still attractive...and that I ran out of Raid.
Listen, I understand the appeal of wanting to live here. Its an apartment in the cool part of Brooklyn, we recently bought new floor mats and the water pressure is great. I understand, but if you want to live here, I think you have to join the lease.
It's only fair. Think about it. Its how any new roommate would be handled. You have been able to slide around this for a week or even more, a frightening thought. Let's make this offical. I have already spoken to the landlord and everything is set. All you will have to do is meet him in his newly built “Hotel” to sign the paperwork. Just a few signatures and it will be official. You don’t even need a W2 or pay stubs! The landlord is great. Very trusting.
The “Hotel” is located underneath that large pipe underneath the sink where you really enjoy to hang out. Come hungry because the landlord will have dinner waiting.